Thursday, March 25, 2010

"That Way I Can Kill the Whole Bird With One Stone."

Just as truth can be stranger than fiction, reality can sometimes be funnier than jokes. Therefore, I try to keep track of unusual things I hear people say. Below is a list of word-abuses that I have heard over the last few years. These friends and acquaintances did not realize they were corrupting a word or using the wrong word. The following sentences were spoken in earnest.

A fellow told me he did not want to sound self-defecating.

A second cousin told me her sister had an infection in her influfial tubes.

One man said he suffered from sick-as-hell-anemia.

The hospital had to place a lady’s husband in contentious care.

Another man was in there with a brain hemorrhoid.

A fellow told me a family member had immaculate degeneration.

One man said he had problems with his heart rhythm, but the doctors had decided not to install a space-maker.

A friend told me, “While I am in town, I’ll go by and pay the fine and also return Joel’s guitar. That way I can kill the whole bird with one stone.”

This same fellow was explaining to me why he quit his job. Up to this point he had endured a few things that had bothered him about the job, but when his boss embarrassed him in front of the other employees that was the thing that broke the camel’s straw.

A fellow was suffering from digestive heart failure.

A gentleman told me that he had been reading in the book of the prophet Jackariah.

I actually heard this on TV one evening. A man who was in prison for life was being interviewed by a TV news anchor. When asked to compare the inmates of today with those who were incarcerated with him twenty years ago, he replied, “Years ago there was a certain code of conduct among the prisoners. But today these men coming in here are all messed up. You know, the criminals of today just aren’t raised like criminals used to be.”

In describing Mary’s and Joseph’s engagement, a preacher on the radio said that Mary was be-throught to a man named Joseph.

A fellow told me his brother had phosphate cancer, but he over-ed it.

When I asked a friend if any other churches took part in the conference his church had sponsored up in the mountains, he replied, “There was one local church there that dissipated with us."

A construction worker told my friend that he had to go pick up his workers conversation check.

My cousin who is a nurse just shared these with me. A patient told her he had a history of roaches of the liver. Another patient said he was going to have a buried enema. Another said the nurse had given him a depository to help his bowels move.

A fellow came to work one morning and told my friend, "My wife's arthritis is so bad we can't even have intersection."

If you have heard any humorous word-abuses, feel free to send them by email or write them in the comments section that accompanies this article.

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what's the deal with that said...

these are SOOO funnny to me. i often quote many of these myself. !!!

love you , dad, and your amazing sense of humor!

Joseph Holbrook said...

good ones Billy. My dad always said he didn't want to ever get "old-timer's" disease

Do you know who the shortest man in the Bible was? Bildad the Shoe-hight.

Second shortest man in the Bible? Nee-Hi-mia.

Dwayne said...

I'm laughing beside myself,,,it's better than laughing behind my back...

Anonymous said...

Adding to what Joseph said, did you know God loves baseball? The Bible begins with "In the big inning!"

God does approve of pork in spite of what people think. The three children in the oven were named Ham, Spam and Bacon.

I can understand why people who are self-defacating would need a burial enema or a depository. Ouch!

Linda B.

Billy Long said...

Linda, I liked to fell out of my chair laughing when I read the following comment that you made:

"I can understand why people who are self-defacating would need a burial enema or a depository."


Joseph Holbrook said...

God also smiles tolerantly on the game of tennis, because "Moses served in the king's court" (Can't spell Pharrow!)

... but God does not like Guitar's, right BIlly? St. Paul said "Fret not"

Billy Long said...

Joseph, "LeRoy Boonelevel" said guitars in church is a sin because "they is shaped like a woman's body, and I heard ever' guitar has a G-string!"

Break the Mold said...

I'll confess my own recent blunder...I was admiring my neighbors new sweet and calm dog and for some reason I said he had a nice "misdemeaner". My husband, who is cop, said, Are you sure it is not a felony?

Where we live in South Florida you hear them all the time because of all the languages spoken and the loss in translation. A Spanish woman told me she had just 'eaten her shoe' instead of put her foot in her mouth. She said it did not translate right.

So funny.

Billy Long said...

[The following was sent to me by email, from a friend from Longs, SC] -BL

"Hey Billy, We read the blog. It was hilarious. I can just hear some of these people from around here murdering medical terms. I got 2 for you. V___ (Vern's brother) says he wore a "katherine" for catheter, and had a "pollum" for polyp. Not quite sure about the spelling. Love, Shirley"

Anonymous said...

Hey Billy, I just got back from paying my infernal income taxes. Or since it seems we pay taxes forever, my eternal income taxes.

Why isn't a hemorrhoid an asteroid?

Or for that matter, when an asteriod enters the hemisphere, why isn't it a hemorrhoid?

Linda B

Joseph Holbrook said...

Billy, you should get out your pencils and draw your own cartoon illustrations for your posts.

Joseph Holbrook said...

hey Billy,

you still around i So. Florida? Lets your comedy routine on filmed and on youbube, and then you can embedded parts of it in your blog.

Anonymous said...

Rev. Boonelevel on Youtube? Now THAT would be funny!

Anonymous said...

Hey Billy, I STILL hear your funny one-liners around this office on a REGULAR basis! Just wanted you to know ... :-) I heard the "sick as hell anemia" just this week!


Harmon Parker said...

I once heard a man from India say, "Oh, stop jumping around the shrubs", meaning, "don't beat around the bush". lol

hare-talk said...

Billy, thanks for giving me another reason to smile today, too fun-knee.