"That Way I Can Kill the Whole Bird With One Stone."

Just as truth can be stranger than fiction, reality can sometimes be funnier than jokes. Therefore, I try to keep track of unusual things I hear people say. Below is a list of word-abuses that I have heard over the last few years. These friends and acquaintances did not realize they were corrupting a word or using the wrong word. The following sentences were spoken in earnest.

A fellow told me he did not want to sound self-defecating.

A second cousin told me her sister had an infection in her influfial tubes.

One man said he suffered from sick-as-hell-anemia.

The hospital had to place a lady’s husband in contentious care.

Another man was in there with a brain hemorrhoid.

A fellow told me a family member had immaculate degeneration.

One man said he had problems with his heart rhythm, but the doctors had decided not to install a space-maker.

A friend told me, “While I am in town, I’ll go by and pay the fine and also return Joel’s guitar. That way I can kill the whole bird with one stone.”

This same fellow was explaining to me why he quit his job. Up to this point he had endured a few things that had bothered him about the job, but when his boss embarrassed him in front of the other employees that was the thing that broke the camel’s straw.

A fellow was suffering from digestive heart failure.

A gentleman told me that he had been reading in the book of the prophet Jackariah.

I actually heard this on TV one evening. A man who was in prison for life was being interviewed by a TV news anchor. When asked to compare the inmates of today with those who were incarcerated with him twenty years ago, he replied, “Years ago there was a certain code of conduct among the prisoners. But today these men coming in here are all messed up. You know, the criminals of today just aren’t raised like criminals used to be.”

In describing Mary’s and Joseph’s engagement, a preacher on the radio said that Mary was be-throught to a man named Joseph.

A fellow told me his brother had phosphate cancer, but he over-ed it.

When I asked a friend if any other churches took part in the conference his church had sponsored up in the mountains, he replied, “There was one local church there that dissipated with us."

A construction worker told my friend that he had to go pick up his workers conversation check.

My cousin who is a nurse just shared these with me. A patient told her he had a history of roaches of the liver. Another patient said he was going to have a buried enema. Another said the nurse had given him a depository to help his bowels move.

A fellow came to work one morning and told my friend, "My wife's arthritis is so bad we can't even have intersection."

If you have heard any humorous word-abuses, feel free to send them by email or write them in the comments section that accompanies this article.

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