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Billy Long

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"That Way I Can Kill the Whole Bird With One Stone."

Just as truth can be stranger than fiction, reality can sometimes be funnier than jokes. Therefore, I try to keep track of unusual things I hear people say. Below is a list of word-abuses that I have heard over the last few years. These friends and acquaintances did not realize they were corrupting a word or using the wrong word. The following sentences were spoken in earnest. A fellow told me he did not want to sound self-defecating . A second cousin told me her sister had an infection in her influfial tubes . One man said he suffered from sick-as-hell-anemia . The hospital had to place a lady’s husband in contentious care . Another man was in there with a brain hemorrhoid . A fellow told me a family member had immaculate degeneration . One man said he had problems with his heart rhythm, but the doctors had decided not to install a space-maker . A friend told me, “While I am in town, I’ll go by and pay the fine and also return Joel’s guitar. That way I can kill the whole bird with one...
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Some Thoughts on the Manifested Presence of God

John 15: 19. “A little longer, and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me...” Rev. 1: 10-17. “I was in the Spirit on the Lord’s day, and I heard behind me a loud voice as of a trumpet…And I turned to see the voice that spoke to me…and His countenance was like the sun shining in its strength…” 1 Cor. 15: 3-8. “…He rose again on the third day…and was seen…by Cephas…by the twelve…by over five hundred brethren at once…and after that He was seen by me also….” To see or not to see? The natural man comprehends God in the same way as a blind and deaf man would view a brilliant sunrise or listen to beautiful music. He would be oblivious to the wonders around him no matter how brilliant the sight or how loud the sound. The revelation of God works on the same principle. The person who has a heart after God will see or hear Him in the smallest sign, while the one who has rejected God in his heart will see nothing or explain it away, no matter how powerful the Presence or how obvious th...
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False Teeth and Sin

Steve was a homeless fellow at Myrtle Beach when one of the hurricanes came through a few years ago. Huddled in a corner alone and frightened he cried out to the Lord for mercy and said, "Oh God, if you will bring me through this thing safely, I will get rid of my cigarettes and my false teeth!” Then having made it safely through the storm, he got rid of his false teeth and went around toothless, but hung on to his more pleasurable sins such as profanity and whoremongering. When I asked him about his logic in the matter, he told me that it is a sin to wear false teeth because the Bible warns us about things that are false. He told one of his friends, “You don’t want to be wearing false teeth when Jesus comes back. But then again, you just as well go ahead and smile and look pretty cause it will be too late then.” This story is true, and we smile at the crazy logic involved. However, the world often sees the church in this light. We often "strain at a gnat and swallow a camel...
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