PONDERINGS DURING A DIFFICULT TIME



In our spiritual growth we need to walk in faithful obedience to the Lord in the full range of experiences, from “pit” to “peak” and everywhere in between. We grow in spirit and depth as we walk with Jesus through desert places as well as “green pastures,” and in the “deep,” on stormy seas as well as the peaceful walk by “still water,” The Psalmist speaks of remembering the Lord from the Jordon valley as well as from the heights of Hermon. He experienced the Lord’s lovingkindness in the daytime and His song in the night. Near or far, high or low, there is no extremity that can separate us from God’s love and care.

Below is a very candid and honest excerpt from my journal written 17 years ago in the summer of 2003 during a very difficult time. It might sound like an excerpt from Job’s journal during his most painful moments. I am confident I kept my heart right and tried to please the Lord as I came through that season; but I also had moments in which, like Job, I spoke words without knowledge. We all tend to grunt and groan when in pain or perplexity. This journal entry reveals some of my ponderings during “the dark night” I was going through at that time.

A Journal Entry: Summer of 2003
“My life has come to a place of overwhelming shock to me. It is like waking up from a dream and finding I am in a nightmare. To start out with a vision for great things and then end up at the bottom has been a great and shameful disappointment to me. My life has been filled with wonderful signs of God's presence and pits of darkness at the same time. I have always tried to follow what I thought was the Lord's way and direction, yet now I realize how I may have been influenced by my fears, anxieties, laziness, and lack of discipline. Over the years I have struggled with mental weakness that has stunted and dwarfed my potential. The lines between these inherited infirmities versus the undisciplined self-centeredness have been blurry, and have made it hard to tell where one leaves off and the other begins.

Consequently, as I have stated many times, I was not sure whether I was a Job or a Jonah. I was not sure whether I was being disciplined and prepared, or disqualified and rejected from any useful service for the Lord. In either case, the answer is the same: surrender, repentance, and change. But obviously I am not Job. And while I may not exactly be Jonah either, I think my life has fallen far short of God's plan, and I know that the problem lies inside me. I have grieved and wept before the Lord as I prayed in my "prayer closet." As the faces of my children and family passed before my eyes, I have groaned and cried because of my failures with these loved ones. I have groaned and cried to the Lord because of my failure in useful service to Him. I asked the Lord to not let me be the man who did not bear fruit with the one talent, and had it taken from him and given to another who would use it faithfully.

I have learned to be content with the Lord Himself rather than needing ministry to make me happy. I have set my focus to facing my own inner monsters and destroying them. I have been making progress and am rejoicing in it. Along with the victory that I have recently experienced, I have received tremendous hope for myself and the possibilities of more changes to come. I plan to climb a step daily and take advantage of whatever grace and plans the Lord still has available for me. When I say “hope for myself” I am referring to areas in me that need to change, areas that affect others, my fruitfulness, and my ability to fulfill what God has called me to do.

I have faith for God to change me. I have faith for Him to continue the good work He has been doing in me over the last few weeks. And "ministry" is not the focus. Changing, pleasing the Lord, and blessing my wife and family are what matters. By the grace of God I will persevere while the Lord defeats all the enemies of my soul and fulfills His purpose for my life.
I will rejoice on the mountain top and remain humble and not forget the Lord. I will trust Him in the valley and persevere knowing He is with me and will never leave or forsake me.”

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, you are there.
If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me and Your right hand shall take hold of me.
If I say ‘Surely the darkness shall fall on me,’ even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, but the night shines as the day.” Ps 139:7-12.



MINISTRY IN THE CONGO
I am asking my friends to be praying for me and the church leaders conference I am scheduled to speak at this February. It was postponed earlier this year because of the virus. Be praying for the Lord's annointing on me, His blessing on the people who will be there, and for Paul and Marty Law who are the missionaries sponsoring this event.

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