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MANIPULATION AND CONTROL IN
LEADERSHIP
UNHEALTHY CONTROL OF COMMUNICATION
This chapter deals with a couple problems seen in leadership. The
issues are principles I learned while serving “as referee” in a couple
difficult situations and were originally written with the intention of
helping pastors understand these issues that get them into trouble.
Initially I was reluctant to share these with a broader audience, but
then realized the principles are apropos to any discussion of healthy
leadership. Many readers will identify with the problems discussed.
For every issue there is a flip side. There is always the “other side
of the coin.” This “flip side” issue is especially true for some of the
areas covered in this article. For example, pastors usually teach on
gossip, and they legitimately try to prevent unhealthy and destructive
communication within their community of believers. But my emphasis here
is the other side of the issue, which is leadership’s unhealthy control
of communication among members.
Control of communication among members
A typical dilemma for leadership is how to create an atmosphere of open
and healthy communication while discouraging gossip and destructive
talk. There is such a thing as the scorner and the gossip whose tongues
can damage good fellowship, but even in a healthy group there are
issues and concerns that need to be addressed from time to time.
Leadership needs wisdom in this arena. Forbidding people to talk
(restricting communication) can be a form of manipulation and a means
of isolating people in order to control them. There are verses in the
Bible that warn us of gossip and of the discord created by loose and
uncontrolled tongues, but leaders have often used this principle to
stifle necessary communication, and not allow people to have free
communication among themselves when genuine concerns or controversial
issues arise that should be scrutinized and honestly evaluated. People
should be free to communicate openly on issues that arise within the
group, and individuals should have the freedom to communicate their
concerns and complaints. The problem here is that leaders often exhort
people to not talk, while the leadership itself fails to provide a
genuine, honest, realistic, and healthy platform to deal with the real
issues.
Speaking the Truth in Love
The apostle Paul tells us we should “speak the truth in love.” With
this statement he points out three operative principles that are
necessary in healthy relationships. “To speak” means that people should
communicate rather than suppressing real issues and concerns. It is not
healthy to not speak. The error in leadership is that they often think
that it is spiritual for people simply “to not speak.” And so they work
at keeping people quiet rather than getting “all the cards on the
table” and dealing with the realities, whatever they are. A wise man
once told me that God gives us grace for reality not for pretend.
The second and third principles are to speak "truth" and to
do so "in love." It is not hard to get people to speak, but
it can be difficult to get them to do it in a godly manner. This is
probably why leaders can be nervous about encouraging communication.
The tongue can set the world on fire, but still, communication is
necessary for a healthy community.
Providing a Platform for Communication
I think it is interesting to note here that one real problem in leaders
who have control issues is that they fail to provide a platform for
individuals on their leadership teams to communicate their real
concerns or talk about the real issues that bother them. One tool used
in this form of manipulation is to plan such full agendas and organize
the meetings so that the individual council members have no opportunity
to “let their hair down” and share their hearts. It is possible for
every member of a council or board to sit there with a shared concern
over a particular issue but remain silent because the head of the group
would not include or allow the topic in the agenda. The other aspect of
this strategy is that leaders condemn individuals if they talk with
each other individually outside the council. As a result the real
concerns of people are never addressed in or outside the councils, and
the consequences will be a continual stream of frustrated people who
eventually leave the church.
The Openness of a Healthy Group
In an atmosphere where people are intimidated into silence they become
unwilling or unable to speak up, and fail to discuss genuine or
perceived issues that are important to them. This becomes a potential
volcano waiting to erupt as frustrations develop over time. Unspoken
and suppressed problems remain unresolved problems. They build up
pressure and may eventually become explosive. Insecurity and lack of
integrity create a closed atmosphere where people are afraid to talk.
This is an unhealthy protectionism in leaders. It is based on a
suspicion and distrust of people. It assumes they will always do the
worst if they have access to facts and information. In a healthy group
where there are integrity, life, and security, there will be an
atmosphere of freedom and openness. People will be able to speak the
truth in love, which aides in the growth of the individual and the
group.
The tongue can “set things on fire,” but leadership needs to remember
that some issues and problems are real. Leadership falls into serious
trouble when it views the discussion of a problem as being in itself
the problem. This is often an evasive action that diverts attention
away from the real issues and causes the real concerns to not be
addressed properly. When problems arise, they do not go away by
suppressing them. Problems and complaints need to be faced and
addressed. It is a mistake to evade people’s concerns and attack them
for "talking.” If someone complains that there is a rattlesnake in
the Sunday school, you need to at least check the room and make sure
there is no snake hiding in a corner before you condemn the person for
talking about it.
MANIPULATION IN LEADERSHIP
Too often leaders are guilty of manipulation.
Manipulation is unhealthy in any relationship and is a violation of
trust. It involves the dishonest use of influence to get people to do
what you want them to do and is an underhanded means of controlling
people. Leaders use manipulation when they lack the ability to lead by
inspiration, when they have ulterior or hidden motives, or when they
are trying to get people to do what the individuals most likely would
not do if they had access to all the facts. Manipulation involves
giving partial truth and withholding information that would be
necessary for others to make an objective decision. It means
distributing information selectively, giving little twists to the facts,
and sharing only that which would cause other people to respond
favorably to the objectives being presented.
DIPLOMACY
AND TRUTH
Being diplomatic can “put a sweet face” on manipulation. Diplomacy in
its positive sense refers to the ability to handle affairs in such a
way as to arouse the least hostility, the ability to deal with people
wisely in such a way as to stir up the least amount of conflict. This
is consistent with proverbs wisdom which exhorts us to control our
spirit, guard our tongue, and to speak wisely without stirring up
unnecessary strife. This can be a good characteristic in leadership.
However, we must also remember that diplomacy disassociated from truth
becomes manipulation. A leader who is being diplomatic in his pursuit
of peace must be careful lest he become less than honest in dealing
with people. A lie that makes people feel better is still a lie. A
leader must adhere to truth and reality in working with people. He
should not stretch the truth, give half-truths, or lie in order to
pacify or to get what he wants.
MANIPULATION:
A LACK OF INTEGRITY AND A LACK OF FAITH.
Manipulation in leadership represents a failure at honesty and
sincerity. It is an absence of faith in the Sovereign God to accomplish
His work by the Spirit of God. It is a lack of faith in God's ability
to work in other people. It is also a failure to respect other people.
Godly leaders lead by influence, example, and truth, and not by
manipulation. People follow good leaders because they trust them. Many
people were offended by Jesus, but they were offended by truth. Jesus
never lied or misled people to get them to do what He wanted. It is not
God’s will that integrity be sacrificed for vision. If the vision is of
God, then God will fulfill it in His time and in His way. When leaders
have to sacrifice integrity to get people to “do the right thing” then
the leaders are “off track.”
Leadership should always remember that obtaining objectives by the use
of specious arguments (those which appear sound and correct without
really being so) only create the illusion of success. Sooner or later
reality will come to light and people will be upset.
Godly leadership requires reality and spiritual substance in those who
lead. People of spiritual depth, integrity, and truth do not have to
manipulate. They are willing to trust God to inspire people to do the
right thing, and they are willing to let the vision fail rather than
use the enemy's methods to get the job done.
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